I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
