So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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