I need to stop coming to work sober
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
