apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
