BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
