I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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