my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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