Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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