so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
