ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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