our cab driver is having phone sex.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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