We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
