totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
