So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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