I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
