My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The beer is more important than you right now.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It was like getting head from an anaconda
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize