Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
