quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
