Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
