plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she told me i tasted like america
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
