Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think I just sharted jello shots
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
