I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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