I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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