Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
