i already hear my dad disowning me
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize