Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
