We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
