the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
