i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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