is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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