help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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