She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
