the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
