We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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