I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize