i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Help. Why am I so naked?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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