They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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