The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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