Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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