Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
