Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
