all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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