I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
