I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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