she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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