Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
