I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
