who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
