She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
