the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
