We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
