When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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