The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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