went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
