Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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