Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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