They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
