My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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