right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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